None of us are perfect

            It happens to all of us I think.  I think at some point every mother ends up in the middle of the room yelling, “WHY DO I EVEN BOTHER TALKING WHEN NO ONE LISTENS!!!”  Or we at least break down in tears; we think we are the worst parent.  We can’t find out happy place.  Our children refuse to clean; our husband has us tuned out because we have ranted about the same problem ten times.  Maybe it’s not just Moms, Dads too.  How many times have we yelled and screamed in our minds and at some point we loose it.  Maybe we slap our kids hand for having a massive melt down and we can’t get their attention, or we spank them or we yell or we say, “What’s your problem?!?!”  Maybe we have gotten in their face and yelled or something, something we are not proud of.

            As a daycare provider I see it all the time.  Parents trying to convince me they are a perfect parent.  They try to convince me that things are going smoothly when I can see the struggle in their eyes.  Guess what, me too; I have spent nights up crying.  I went through a very tough couple years after my Dad had his stroke where I would yell and scream at my son for being a kid.  Not every day but some times I would just loose my marbles.  I would plan birthdays and events and be irritable and cranky to the family as I was getting things ready.  I wondered why I was even a Mom.  I couldn’t get my shit in order to have dinner planned or even clean my house!  I was a fraud, a sham; maybe I should give my kid up for adoption to someone who knew how to parent.  Look at all these put together parents with their hair and nails done.  They have matching clothes that are washed and they look like they came off of the cover of parent’s magazine!!!!  What am I doing wrong?!?!?!?!

            Then it happened, one day it all made sense, it all was clear.  I was doing nothing wrong.  Instead of cleaning I was playing with my kids.  Instead of cooking I was putting together whatever I could with the little money I had but got to enjoy more time talking to my kids.  I stopped trying to reach parent perfection.  I was just trying to be a perfect parent to my kids.  I spent more time building my son up vs. telling him what he did wrong.  I made consequences clear and stopped giving chances.  I just told them, “you do this and this happens.”  I found that if I started the day with clear set goals with my kids and talked to them we had a smoother day.  If he was having a bad day we talked about it and maybe I relaxed on the rules that day because we all have bad days.  I started realizing the kids were well, little people who needed me to sometimes just listen.

            Then another thing happened, things were moving smoothly along and I lost my stuff again.  I couldn’t find happiness and I was yelling all the time.  My mother was dying, I was taking care of my father, and I lost my FIL and my uncle.  I couldn’t figure my way through the grief.  I couldn’t find my balance and I was lost.  Guess what, I am a human, I am a person who has an emotional threshold like the rest of the world but I started comparing myself to others again.  Well, how is it that so and so can keep it together while they are going through a divorce?  Why it is a daycare provider can care for kids 12 hours a day and not loose their mind?  Why is it?

            You know what it is?  You know what it all really is?  It is the fact that we don’t see when a parent looses it.  When they break down and start crying because they are watching the child they love take over the house and they don’t know what to do next.  You are not there when they start crying because no one napped and they haven’t even had a shower yet that day.  You aren’t there when they just can’t get to the grocery store so they grab whatever they can find to make a meal.  (Veggies over rice anyone?) 

            There is no such thing as a perfect parent.  We can only parent as consistently as possible.  To find balance inside of us at all times is hard. 

            My sisters thought I was a very angry Mom and not a happy mother.  When at home my son and I were always laughing and playing together.  We had the most amazing time cuddling every night and talking.  He would fall asleep in my arms nearly every night until he was 5.  No one sees my daughter and I cuddle every day and how I tell my kids I love them every day.  I tell them I am proud of them every day.  I tell them how much fun they are to be around.  I also correct their behavior as needed and I work hard to get clarification if they are moody.

 

            So judge your parenting on just a couple of notes and save yourself the misery of perfection.

1.      Are they fed?

2.      Are they happy 97% of the time? 

3.      Do they know they are loved?

4.      Do they know you are the safe arms to go to?

5.      Do they know that you will never give up on them?

6.      Do you tell them you are proud of them for every new accomplishment?

7.      Do they feel like they can take over the world?

 

You are an imperfectly perfect parent.  It is a wild and crazy ride.  There are days you feel like you are failing, that you can’t understand what is up with your children.  There are days that they will catch you off guard and do something that shocks you, maybe breaks your heart but in the end, just remember to tell them you forgive their imperfections and you love them.  Just as you need to forgive your imperfections and love yourself. 

Children and the things they do

Your kid bites someone, "It has to be the parents."
Your kid hits someone, "It has to be the parents."
Your kid yells at others, "It has to be the parents."

Parents are blamed for everything.

Kids are there very own unique little creatures.  They have their own personality and make their own choices in life. 

Dear parents of two year olds,

They make no sense.  They are still learning the fine art of communication, and often times, they are hitting, pushing and generally doing things that is not deemed appropriate by this society.  What we need to do is work with them to stop this behavior.  However, it is not your fault if your kid hits, pushes or bites another child.  They don't have the ability to rationalize how to treat others, that they will hurt, but they do understand you.  It becomes your job to tell them it isn't nice, that doesn't mean you can change it.

I watched a kid misbehaving at the park the other day and an exasperated mother look to be near tears.  "I don't know what is wrong with him."  She said, "I didn't raise him this way."

You know how many times I say to my daughter, "I didn't raise you to be this way."  She doesn't care, even at 7 she doesn't care.  The thing is the children need to find their way in the world. 

I had talked to the mother and she went on about how she had him in daycare from an early age, how she encourages to be nice and share.  She said, "the daycare provider asked me if I even discipline at home."  You know what, she does and she said he spends so much time in time out that it doesn't phase him.  She tried taking away his toys and multiple other processes but the kid still gets out of control.  She went to the pediatrician because she thought there was something wrong and he said he was fine.

I looked at her and said, "did you ask him what was wrong?" 
She seemed shocked, "what?"
"Kids generally act out when something is wrong, feelings are hurt, they are frustrated, or any other various perceived problems in toddler land.  Ask him, 'why are you behaving this way, is this the right way to behave?'"  She looked a bit shocked but tried it.
Kids act out and sometimes at this age they don't know why but to start that dialogue of why are you acting this way kind of gives them this idea that they are in control of how they behave.  This kid was 4 by the way not 2.  Two that is a little difficult to do but by observing the children and watching when they act up you can help them to develop a verbal dictionary of ways to deal with problems when they are mad.

Learning your kid is simple observation, sometimes we don't have enough time these days.  Just watch and see why they are acting that way.  Observe the changes in demeanor when certain kids come around or the toys don't line up properly.  Some kids don't put thought into what they are doing so if they throw a toy it isn't because they are being rotten it's because it was in their way so they just tossed it, or because the ball bounces off things and it's fun to watch. 

Kids are explores and with out the verbal ability to communicate what they learn or what they see it is hard for them.  You my dear parents did nothing wrong, they have to grow and learn, it's our job to teach them how to deal with people we don't like, move through our emotions on a daily basis with out pushing someone through a wall, and by us doing that, we are doing everything right.  Remember, everyone learns differently, talking to your kid about it alone is not always going to teach them.  Some need videos about proper manners, some need to be caught in the middle of bad behavior and taught the proper behavior in a hands on manner.  The hardest thing to do with kids is have patience.

I run a daycare, some times I wonder what got into these kids and then I remember, they are kids.  They don't know this stuff yet. 

Be patient, be kind,
Celeste

It's not your fault.  Kids need to learn and grow.
And if anyone knows how to get my 7 year old daughter to stop whining that would be super helpful. 
I don't whine, but she sure does. 

Laughing

I don't know why more families don't do this.  Just walk around acting crazy stupid.  Laughter, it is the key to a household that can work together.  So when we are arguing we turn to humor until one of us cracks, smiles, let's go of the anger inside.  You want the secret to a happy household, lots of laughter and very little anger.  I hate yelling, I hate raised voices, which is why my husband has been skating on thin ice lately.  Some things that are not important to me are important to him and in the end, the kids know, laughter.  I am tired every morning of hearing the loud voices and the cranky arguments.  My husband won't do things for my son just to be stubborn.  Just so he can assert his dominance and I don't like it.  So truly, maybe the happiest way to have my household peaceful again is to get rid of my husband.  ;-)  LOL  I believe that all things need to be worked out with out yelling.  My son learned my husbands bullying ways and yells more than I would like and pushes my buttons.  Usually, (except once a month) I can bring it back around to laughter.  We really need to focus our homes less on dominances and more on respect and understanding.  Respect your parents, not because they dominate you, because they love you and do for you.  If your children respect what you do for them and what you are in their lives, they are likely to have a more peaceful existence with you.  Don't forget, love is the key and laughter is hte lock.

I was asked.... So I will tell....

QUESTION:  What is the hardest part of being a Mom?
Answer:

I know a few people having babies.  In one of my proud parenting moments I said, "you think pregnancy is tough, wait until you have the kid."  There are two schools of thought depending on who you talk to about me as a parent.  Some say I suck ass and others think I am great, there seems to be no in between.

My family, says I yell too much and don't let them have fun.
My friends say I have great kids that obviously love me and I am patient. 

I run a daycare for goodness sakes, I have patience.  NOW!!!!  With my kids, a different story and that is because it is.  I am with them all day!

With my children if we go somewhere I give them a list of expectations with their behavior.  My son should know this by now and my daughter I remind.  For example I brought them to ChuckEChesse (hate that place by the way) and I told my daughter what I expected out of her behavior.  Now when she didn't follow directions I would say, "Alexanderia what did I say?"  She would turn her behavior around.  Now when we are with family I watch my kids like a hawk.  My sister has a trampoline with no net around it and a pool.  Do I yell at my children, hell yes, especially if they don't listen after I explained the rules.  I am not degrading them or calling them names I am reminding them rules and asking them to follow them.  I was told I shouldn't give my daughter a hard time about not being nice to everyone, I shouldn't force her to hug her family.  I am sorry we hug in this family and giving a hug to your Aunts who just gave you a gift for your birthday seems to be the least that needs to be done.  She needs to learn respect and consideration to others feelings.  I often threaten to take away privileges if she does not use her manners, you know, thank you, good bye, not whining, etc, it is the only thing to turn her behavior around.

I don't expect people to agree with my parenting styles and guess what EVERY KID is different and EVERY PARENT is too.  We should not judge another parenting style.

So what is the hardest part of being a Mom.  All of it.

Learning to temper love with discipline.
Learning to allow your child to develop their own personality, even if you don't like it.
Learning to let go of your child as they get older.
Learning to let them learn their own lessons, even if it is the hard way.
Learning to relinquish control to others.
Learning to trust others to care for your child as well as you do.
Learning to not want to beat every person that offers you freaking parenting advice.

There are more that I can not think of now but here is the deal.  It's all hard but the rewards are amazing.

LOVE

See the thing is, I measure my ability as a parent by two things, do my children at their core love me.  Do my children still want to spend time with me.  The answer to these two things is yes.  My children are not afraid of me, they love me, enjoy spending time with me and accept how I am willing to say I am sorry if I am wrong.  How many parents have you ever heard going of on their children for an insignificant thing and never say, "I am sorry," we need to be human, it teaches our children to be human. 

So LOVE is the gift the rest is an uphill battle.

What no thank you?

So as I hurry and ruin my children's lives with rules and regulations.  I wonder why they don't thank me?  I mean if they understand the level of work that goes into setting rules and saying they would understand that it is done out out of love and kills us almost as much as it kills them.

So my friends husband posted that there 13 soon to be 14 year old daughter wants a belly button ring.  Oh my goodness, 13, when I was 13 I was singing along to music, writing and reading.  The most risky thing that I wanted was a second hole and my ear!  That was risque way back then, now kids are getting tattoos at 16 when their ability to think things out isn't even there yet. 

It is proven that until the world stops revolving around them they can not understand why we HATE them so much not allowing them to tattoo, "BITCH" on their ass.  I mean you don't understand how people will view you not today, but forever. 

I get yelled at all the time for saying this but when girls dress and show their body off they make themselves look loose.  Looking loose leads to sexual harrassment.  It becomes attention and they like it, they do not differentiate positive from negative.  Boys who walk around trying to look different,  earrings, black hair, get black listed by others, they don't realize that may happen.  It really comes down to asking questions.

I am not saying that if your son wants to color his hair blue, black and purple you should say no but ask why, talk about what the consequences might be.  All things have pros and cons, just saying no isn't enough, we need to understand the why for them and explain the why from us.  I am personally not a fan of tattoos of young people.  When you are 18 a lot of times you get something silly, wait until you are passionate about something.  So lets say you are a cheerleader all your life and when you are eighteen and can afford it yourself, you go get a tattoo of pom poms, that's fine.  I don't think that kids are ready to make those decisions.

That being said, we know how far saying no goes.  They go ahead and do things behind our backs when there is little to nothing we can do, other then perhaps ground them until they are a hundred.  If they are old enough to save up for something they want and can sit down and understand the short and long term consequences and how they would make them feel, then go for it.  Wow that was the best run on ever. 

Remember, being a parent is the abilty to say NO.

Therapy and the cost of learning that life sucks ass!

I often wonder why we spend money on therapy.  I mean unless you know what is going on in those appointments with your kids, how can you be sure they are getting anything out of it?  So my son has been going to therapy for about two months now.  I was tired of trying to figure him out myself.  The first thing I said to the therapist is, "I am not a perfect mother, but I love him perfectly."

It's true, I am not a perfect mother, I grew up in a household where I was never going to be good enough.  I occasionally resort to name calling.  "What are you stupid?"  Of course he is not stupid, he is being eleven.  Kids have this limited knowledge of how the world runs and an even more limited understanding of how to use common sense.  They are great at not hearing you also.  It is like this switch exists that they turn on and off depending on who is talking to them.  Should it be a parental figure, it turns off. 

So therapy, what am I paying for?  I am paying for someone to tell my son the world isn't fair and he needs to learn to communicate his feelings in some way.  I could have told him that and in fact I have.  So with that being said, what is it that therapy offers our kids?  Objectivity, they get someone that they consider not connected to their family that has an opinion.  My son is stubborn, he is strong willed and he hasn't got a clue about the world.  So until the day he gets married, has kids and realize I was right about something, I will continue to let him have that objective opinion and person to talk to, well at least until he is 18.  Then he has to figure it out on his own.

As I tell my son, every time I do something that upsets him, "Well I need to give you something to talk to the therapist about." 

Truth is, my kid is pretty lucky.  We talk about sex, drugs, and well, Andy's horrible choice in music.  We have honest conversations about real life issues.  Truth is, life sucks, and therapy costs, so make sure you give them something to talk about.

Depression and the 11 year old

So my son has been sobbing and depressed.  He has a lot in his life to deal with, watching his grandmother die from Lou Gherigs, ALS, watching his father become homeless, watching his Grandfather struggle, loosing a beloved pet, stress of school, bullies, etc. 

He is 11, he is at the beginning of emotional unrest.  I lack of balance and the inability to truly explain why he is upset.  So what do we do for our children when they suffer this level of depression.

It seems like I am a pusher, I tell him he needs to talk, I tell him I want him to not hold it inside.  Other parents believe the child should come to them, but what if they don't?  A fine line that is hard because if you go too far one way with your child you can loose them.

He was mad at me the other day and told me how horrible I am for caring and getting too involved in his life.  (I saved him from getting a bunch of C's on his report card mind you but I am the evil one.)  In the end I thought, what am I doing and how much should I do.  At what point do I put trust in the fact that I have raised him well enough and taught him enough coping mechanisms that he will be okay.

Truth is, when bipolar and suicide runs high in a family, when can we trust?  I don't know when the next suicide attempt will be by a family member, I don't know when the next depression will occur in myself or anyone else in the family.  Truth is, I just don't know and so I tend to be in his face over everything and I do need to back down at least a little.

I just don't ever want to say, "I didn't know."  I want to know, I want to be there, I want to be dialed in with my son but how can I do that and not upset the flow.  After all, this is a critical time he has to learn coping methods and self awareness, self promotion, but when is he still a kid and when do I give him the responsibility of self ownership of problem resolution. 

So yeah, we all screw up our kids somehow, I have never met a kid who said their parents were perfect.  Maybe as they get older they realize why their parents did certain things, but in the end, it's hard to be a parent and the only satisfaction we get as parents is when they become kids and we can say, "Yah, I know, I went through that with you."  he he

So remember, being a parent isn't easy, and we never have all the answers, no matter how hard we try.  Just remember, no matter how hard they are being, hug them, tell them you love them no matter what, we have no guarantees for tomorrow.