None of us are perfect

            It happens to all of us I think.  I think at some point every mother ends up in the middle of the room yelling, “WHY DO I EVEN BOTHER TALKING WHEN NO ONE LISTENS!!!”  Or we at least break down in tears; we think we are the worst parent.  We can’t find out happy place.  Our children refuse to clean; our husband has us tuned out because we have ranted about the same problem ten times.  Maybe it’s not just Moms, Dads too.  How many times have we yelled and screamed in our minds and at some point we loose it.  Maybe we slap our kids hand for having a massive melt down and we can’t get their attention, or we spank them or we yell or we say, “What’s your problem?!?!”  Maybe we have gotten in their face and yelled or something, something we are not proud of.

            As a daycare provider I see it all the time.  Parents trying to convince me they are a perfect parent.  They try to convince me that things are going smoothly when I can see the struggle in their eyes.  Guess what, me too; I have spent nights up crying.  I went through a very tough couple years after my Dad had his stroke where I would yell and scream at my son for being a kid.  Not every day but some times I would just loose my marbles.  I would plan birthdays and events and be irritable and cranky to the family as I was getting things ready.  I wondered why I was even a Mom.  I couldn’t get my shit in order to have dinner planned or even clean my house!  I was a fraud, a sham; maybe I should give my kid up for adoption to someone who knew how to parent.  Look at all these put together parents with their hair and nails done.  They have matching clothes that are washed and they look like they came off of the cover of parent’s magazine!!!!  What am I doing wrong?!?!?!?!

            Then it happened, one day it all made sense, it all was clear.  I was doing nothing wrong.  Instead of cleaning I was playing with my kids.  Instead of cooking I was putting together whatever I could with the little money I had but got to enjoy more time talking to my kids.  I stopped trying to reach parent perfection.  I was just trying to be a perfect parent to my kids.  I spent more time building my son up vs. telling him what he did wrong.  I made consequences clear and stopped giving chances.  I just told them, “you do this and this happens.”  I found that if I started the day with clear set goals with my kids and talked to them we had a smoother day.  If he was having a bad day we talked about it and maybe I relaxed on the rules that day because we all have bad days.  I started realizing the kids were well, little people who needed me to sometimes just listen.

            Then another thing happened, things were moving smoothly along and I lost my stuff again.  I couldn’t find happiness and I was yelling all the time.  My mother was dying, I was taking care of my father, and I lost my FIL and my uncle.  I couldn’t figure my way through the grief.  I couldn’t find my balance and I was lost.  Guess what, I am a human, I am a person who has an emotional threshold like the rest of the world but I started comparing myself to others again.  Well, how is it that so and so can keep it together while they are going through a divorce?  Why it is a daycare provider can care for kids 12 hours a day and not loose their mind?  Why is it?

            You know what it is?  You know what it all really is?  It is the fact that we don’t see when a parent looses it.  When they break down and start crying because they are watching the child they love take over the house and they don’t know what to do next.  You are not there when they start crying because no one napped and they haven’t even had a shower yet that day.  You aren’t there when they just can’t get to the grocery store so they grab whatever they can find to make a meal.  (Veggies over rice anyone?) 

            There is no such thing as a perfect parent.  We can only parent as consistently as possible.  To find balance inside of us at all times is hard. 

            My sisters thought I was a very angry Mom and not a happy mother.  When at home my son and I were always laughing and playing together.  We had the most amazing time cuddling every night and talking.  He would fall asleep in my arms nearly every night until he was 5.  No one sees my daughter and I cuddle every day and how I tell my kids I love them every day.  I tell them I am proud of them every day.  I tell them how much fun they are to be around.  I also correct their behavior as needed and I work hard to get clarification if they are moody.

 

            So judge your parenting on just a couple of notes and save yourself the misery of perfection.

1.      Are they fed?

2.      Are they happy 97% of the time? 

3.      Do they know they are loved?

4.      Do they know you are the safe arms to go to?

5.      Do they know that you will never give up on them?

6.      Do you tell them you are proud of them for every new accomplishment?

7.      Do they feel like they can take over the world?

 

You are an imperfectly perfect parent.  It is a wild and crazy ride.  There are days you feel like you are failing, that you can’t understand what is up with your children.  There are days that they will catch you off guard and do something that shocks you, maybe breaks your heart but in the end, just remember to tell them you forgive their imperfections and you love them.  Just as you need to forgive your imperfections and love yourself. 

Children and the things they do

Your kid bites someone, "It has to be the parents."
Your kid hits someone, "It has to be the parents."
Your kid yells at others, "It has to be the parents."

Parents are blamed for everything.

Kids are there very own unique little creatures.  They have their own personality and make their own choices in life. 

Dear parents of two year olds,

They make no sense.  They are still learning the fine art of communication, and often times, they are hitting, pushing and generally doing things that is not deemed appropriate by this society.  What we need to do is work with them to stop this behavior.  However, it is not your fault if your kid hits, pushes or bites another child.  They don't have the ability to rationalize how to treat others, that they will hurt, but they do understand you.  It becomes your job to tell them it isn't nice, that doesn't mean you can change it.

I watched a kid misbehaving at the park the other day and an exasperated mother look to be near tears.  "I don't know what is wrong with him."  She said, "I didn't raise him this way."

You know how many times I say to my daughter, "I didn't raise you to be this way."  She doesn't care, even at 7 she doesn't care.  The thing is the children need to find their way in the world. 

I had talked to the mother and she went on about how she had him in daycare from an early age, how she encourages to be nice and share.  She said, "the daycare provider asked me if I even discipline at home."  You know what, she does and she said he spends so much time in time out that it doesn't phase him.  She tried taking away his toys and multiple other processes but the kid still gets out of control.  She went to the pediatrician because she thought there was something wrong and he said he was fine.

I looked at her and said, "did you ask him what was wrong?" 
She seemed shocked, "what?"
"Kids generally act out when something is wrong, feelings are hurt, they are frustrated, or any other various perceived problems in toddler land.  Ask him, 'why are you behaving this way, is this the right way to behave?'"  She looked a bit shocked but tried it.
Kids act out and sometimes at this age they don't know why but to start that dialogue of why are you acting this way kind of gives them this idea that they are in control of how they behave.  This kid was 4 by the way not 2.  Two that is a little difficult to do but by observing the children and watching when they act up you can help them to develop a verbal dictionary of ways to deal with problems when they are mad.

Learning your kid is simple observation, sometimes we don't have enough time these days.  Just watch and see why they are acting that way.  Observe the changes in demeanor when certain kids come around or the toys don't line up properly.  Some kids don't put thought into what they are doing so if they throw a toy it isn't because they are being rotten it's because it was in their way so they just tossed it, or because the ball bounces off things and it's fun to watch. 

Kids are explores and with out the verbal ability to communicate what they learn or what they see it is hard for them.  You my dear parents did nothing wrong, they have to grow and learn, it's our job to teach them how to deal with people we don't like, move through our emotions on a daily basis with out pushing someone through a wall, and by us doing that, we are doing everything right.  Remember, everyone learns differently, talking to your kid about it alone is not always going to teach them.  Some need videos about proper manners, some need to be caught in the middle of bad behavior and taught the proper behavior in a hands on manner.  The hardest thing to do with kids is have patience.

I run a daycare, some times I wonder what got into these kids and then I remember, they are kids.  They don't know this stuff yet. 

Be patient, be kind,
Celeste

It's not your fault.  Kids need to learn and grow.
And if anyone knows how to get my 7 year old daughter to stop whining that would be super helpful. 
I don't whine, but she sure does.