The Truth Behind The Blog
Friday, September 2, 2011
To be quite frank it's been coming for a long time. My 10 year old son, soon to be 11 started middle school this year. He still comes up to me, hugs me, kisses me, of course this is when he is tell me how unfair his life is and how much he thinks what I am telling him to do is BULL. After all he is just one kid. He will lay in bed with me and cuddle but the truth is he is as tall as me now. I am only 5' but he is about 1/8 of an inch away from that.
This year Brandon started a new school. Not only is he starting a new school but he is starting middle school. Big changes, and he is starting to change change, you know, hair in places most of us wouldn't mind it gone from. Anyway, he asked me sweetly to walk him to the bus stop. It isn't that far away but sending him off on his journey was so exciting. As we were walking a kids mother told her son to slow down and walk with the new kid. (Small town, everyone knows everyone and knows whose new and not new. Rarely do people get into this part of town, people live here forever.) Anyway, I asked Brandon, "would you like to walk with this young man or your mother." To which his reply was.... "I will see you this afternoon Mom."
I cried, I went home and cried. First of all it broke my heart, second of all it broke my heart, but not because he was trying to be mean but because I had to leave my boy to be independent in a scary freaking world. I thought of ways to stalk him and none of them would work, he is a smart kid. So I did what any smart, loving, kind mother would do and walked away. I did not go back and follow him I stepped back. I sobbed like a freaking baby most of the day and some today. Let's be honest, we spend years prepping for those moments, building their confidence, grooming them to be kind, safe, smart, and somewhat independent and when they do, we are happy, exuberant and yet sad. It always happens far too soon.
If I could tell anyone with little ones, older than little ones, if I could tell anyone anything it would be, hug and kiss them as much as possible. Tell them a 100 times that you love them, even if it is in the middle of disciplining them. Tell them I love you, I love you and piss them off with it.
My son, in the privacy of my own home, will hug me, kiss me and tell me he loves me. I know he does. I am proud of him and he makes me realize what a truly wonderful soul he is. Letting him go, my first true love in life, my gift from God to help me understand what love is with out boundaries, the one man in my life that can make me feel like the most wonderful person in the world, and I truly feel love from, that boy, that man, is growing up. I know that was a run on sentences but it's true. It is all true and I feel like a run on sentence around him with this love that just pours from me for him.
It hurts everyone, letting go, giving them some Independence, boy or girl, it hurts. Adopted, birthed or fostered, it is all the same, we try to protect them, mold them to responsible young adults and when they start to pull away, we cry. I suppose that's okay.
Saturday, July 23, 2011
Well, recently I heard my son use the "f" word. I have since decided being a "progressive" parent isn't working. My daughter has taken to saying a term I cringe at, "oh Jesus Christ." I cringe when I hear it and I DO NOT say that, my husband doesn't say it and it appears my son picked it up somewhere and has been repeating it. I have since corrected him and her about saying that. "Oh cheese and crackers," or "oh geesh," please do not talk about Jesus Christ in any negative connotation. Now that is not to say because I believe we will be sent to the hell for this act but just because A. It does not feel right to me and B. It is disrespectful to other people and other people's religious views.
I have some MAIN goals with my children...
1. Respect, respect for all people and their opinions, views and beliefs.
2. Kindness, kindness to all people no matter their situation, believes, opinions, or views.
3. Moral consideration
4. Ethical decision making
5. Religious respect
6. Belief in the beauty that exists in the world and to learn to work through the negativity.
Life is short and I believe that some things in this world are made a big deal out of, like the list of swear words. There are those that I do not tolerate though. The "F" word is not allowed, and the above mentioned. I will deal with others as they come. I also do not allow racist comments, though I am probably not always PC with things I say, my non PC moments are more out of lack of knowledge verbiage changed rather than just being racist. Also there is another thing I do not tolerate people being judged based on what they look like.
My son is a good kid, he really is, he makes friends with the under dogs, he is loving, and still hugs me. He has his anger issues with his friends as they like to push his buttons and I worry that in the future this will result in either him being bullied or getting into a fight and knocking some kid out someday. However, life is short and I want him to be a respectful individual. Cuss in my house when you are alone fine, if the adults are around or your little sister, oh heck no.
Do not be disrespectful to Jesus Christ, he was a great teacher with a lot of gifts.
Sunday, May 29, 2011
The world has it so ingrained in the minds of all of us that we are not to blame for sexual abuse. There are things we can do to try to protect our children.
I guess it is hard now a days though. All they sell for little girls is short skirts and tight shirts. Bikinis are the norm for little girls. I dress my daughter to look like a little girl, she is three. I do not buy her thongs, (yes they sell them) and I do not load make up on her. Though we do play with make up once in a while. I do not try to grow her up at all.
I was watching toddlers in Tiaras, I HATE< HATE< that parents don't "get" it. They should have a mandatory psychologist on staff to work with the parents. I get it, the pageants and the show, but sexualizing your child at such a young age is not cool. Do I need to point out Joan Bennet Ramsey. Is it not clear why that was a horrible thing to happen and how many MORE of these girls are sexually assaulted. NOT TO MENTION that they tend to grow up with a strong ideal of how they SHOULD look and often deal with body image issues at a young age. You see these mothers putting on spray tans, fake teeth and over doing their make up just to "impress" people. I don't care how much you tell your child it's just for fun, in the end they think they need to be an "ideal" to please others.
Everybody has their own views on this. I know people who want to put their kids in pageants and I am totally against it if the parent can not remain grounded and let the kid go into the pageant as the child they are. Not over doing the make up, clothing and telling them to shake their ass. Lets get this straight, these kids are 3-12 years old. LET THEM BE KIDS.
I was watching a video once where a parent was encouraging the 5 year olds to grind dance. It is innocent because they don't get the sexual implications but others do. Which is what makes it sickening. Not to mention that when they get older, they understand it and remember being encouraged to act that way.
All cultures are different, but I say, let your kids play in dirt and be innocent as long as possible.
Thursday, May 26, 2011
I am baffled at how many times he acknowledges what I said and two hours later he goes I didn't hear you. The disconnect is so amazing that I think we are both bound to go nutty soon. How much can one person take of this lack luster communication style.
I think what needs to happen is I need more rules. Now please understand, it isn't that my children run amuck, I have seen that in some households and that makes me crazy. However, there is not enough consistency, and the kids needs to play an organized sport.
He is so my son and I wish, WISH TO ALL THAT IS GOOD, that someone would have forced me to focus on SOMETHING in my life. To this day I am still flighty, I have birthday cards sitting to send, even gift cards and I suck. I really suck at getting stuff done. I think he needs to learn how to schedule.
If anyone has tips on how to teach HIM to schedule his time as opposed to me scheduling it for him, let me know. I think it is time he learns that, though he loves me and thinks the world of me, I struggle every day with time lines and time schedules. I should schedule my days a little better. I would like him to learn the art of that but if I don't even do it, how do I teach that to my son?
Sunday, May 8, 2011
Now I have always bragged about my son's generous heart and kindness. I have heard from several of his teachers and countless others in the school system that he is loving, kind and generous. That he is not a typical boy and that he helps those who fall behind. He is friends with the kids who have challenges and doesn't care what others think of that. He is truly a beautiful child to others, any one other than me.
It seems like at the tender age of ten, when he knew it was mothers day this Sunday he put no thought into what it means to have a mother. He did not show any level of appreciation and when given $20.00 by his biological father he eagerly went and bought a video game and candy. Not spending a single cent, not even $0.99 on a card. His thoughtless ways escalated today because this was not the first time.
Since he was born, yes I am not exaggerating, every mothers day has been a struggle. He is sick, moody, selfish, mean or generally a beast to deal with. All I asked, every mothers day since he was born was to have a nice day with him. Play, smile and I don't know, feel loved and appreciated. Since that desired wish to have this I have had anything but that. I think in the last 10 mothers days I have not had one where I can say, "Wow, my son is so sweet." Each year is brought about by fighting, arguing or generally just hating me for whatever reason.
Two years ago he did the same thing, went with his father to get me a mothers day gift and instead bought things for himself saying he didn't know what to get me. I am actually really simple, so we will skip the idea I am the hardest mother ever to buy for. If he made me a paper flower, I would have been thrilled. If he said thank you for being a mother who spends her last pennies on me, I would be happy. Nothing, he went and bought himself a present. I guess, in theory, if you want to get technical, he is thanking himself for being the first person to make me a mother. Right? Can we justify that for him?
Last year he got me something, a flower or something, I don't remember. This year, NOTHING, he went and bought himself a video game, didn't make me a card or do anything unique, special or even wish me a Happy Mother's Day. Since I took his selfish purchase out of his hands he has apologized and decided to wish me a Happy Mother's day, when I told him he broke my heart he broke out in tears and turned it on himself as all ten year old children do. "Well YOU ARE BREAKING MY HEART." To which I simply replied, "Well how does it feel?" HE stormed off crying and I have little to no sympathy for his tears.
I know this selfish trend just gets worse but both the MEN in his life, his father and his step-father, really need to sit down and talk to them about appreciating what I do for him, just as I talk to him about how he should appreciate what Andy does for him. I told my son that for his Birthday I was not buying a gift for him, but a gift for myself, for having to push his large shoulders out. He said that wasn't fair and I am a horrible person, but in the end, isn't it my job to screw him up.
All I want from my husband, my ex, my son, my daughter, my family, from anyone is....
- No fighting
- No raised voices
- Someone to vacuum
- Someone to cook dinner that isn't PASTA related one day of my life.
- Someone to say thank you for being the kind of mother that has sacrificed her last dollar to give me what I want.
- Someone to say, I LOVE YOU!
In the end, we all want something for mothers day. It wasn't him spending his money on himself that upset me, it was the lack of the men in his life to intervene and remind him how important it is to think of our mothers. It was the lack of his acknowledgement of being kind to me and putting the effort into making something for me or doing something out of kindness for me. It is my husband always buying me gifts that I know what they are and not taking the time to KNOW me enough or want to invest the time in going out to get me something that means something to me. It is a pile of it, a pile of everything, trying to just understand why it is as a mother we spend our life being selfless for a world of selfish people.
As my son walks away with reddened eyes from crying and I still have tears streaming down my cheeks I wonder if life ever changes. I put no "financial" expectations on mothers day, or any other holiday for that matter. It is the made gifts and thoughtful touches to my day that make it better. Someone else to take care of the foster dog for a few hours, someone else to vacuum the grass, cook ME a nice dinner. I have been craving burgers forever. You know the two things I did want that cost money, a lounge chair and a nice grill. LOL I will get them eventually, but right now, I am busy still putting everyone else first.
I am sure that when my children are grown and out of this house I am going to travel. Once my grandchildren come around, if I am ever blessed with any, I will spoil them and put them first again. However, life is short and all I want in this life is love. I want this love showed to me every day and on mother's day I want just a little extra thought into the importance of me in their lives.
Monday, May 2, 2011
Today, when talking to my son about nothing at all, as we often do, I remembered something profound. As we spoke I remembered how immature and child like he still is. He is still so innocent and I thought, "though I talk to him about mature subjects, can he really understand." Truth is they don't, but you hope that they file it away for a later time when they might need it.
We recently had the conversation about the change in boys. The fact that they develop desires and penises begin to do some very weird things that they will lack control over. We talked about masturbation and sex. We have talked about all of this stuff because he needs to know. I was embarassed about my mother giving me a book to read when I was 11 but I realize that it was the best thing she ever did. I understood what was going on with me and could handle it. I understood what was going on and was able to make better decisions. I credit my desire to wait to have sex to the openess of my mother, it made me almost grossed out to even want to have sex with the way she talked about it all the time. LOL
In the end, there is this odd balance I am dealing with when it comes to my son. He is double digits, so close to teen but not quite teen. He is getting all kinds of information from his friends that is not accurate. I hear these conversations and I am slightly disgusted and I always tell him that if he hears something he come and talk to me about it. He does, but still, face to palm please.
In the end, I love my son to pieces and he is still my baby. I have to remember he is growing up and tomorrow is another day.... Tomorrow I might not have that boy who is willing to lean on me in public. Tomorrow he might not give me a hug good bye no matter how much I beg. Tomorrow, he might be taller than me.
I am not a parent who handles the children growing gracefully. I cry, I whine, and I pout an awful lot. I am not sure what I will do next as a parent, but I try every day to screw him up, I mean guide him as well as I can.
Sunday, April 24, 2011
Depending on your belief system, many people talk about an Easter Bunny that freaking poops out Jelly Beans. This disturbs me for several reasons, mostly the Jelly Bean poop, YES let's teach our children that Bunny's are so wonderful you can eat their poop.
Okay but I am digressing quite a bit here.
The point is, how much damage do we actually cause to our children by lying to them about holidays. I know you are all thinking, "it can't be that bad I turned out fine." Did you really? Now you are lying to your children? How can we in good faith tell our children not to lie and then lie in their face.
I for one am not pushing Santa or the Easter Bunny. Honestly, after I found out my parents lied about that, even if it was just for the "fun" aspect I was pissed. They lied to manipulate me every winter, what is up with that. So besides that, yah I don't think it's cool to lie.
Many of us grow up with these lies and we are fine. None of us suffer per say but I know that I suffered my first heartache and heart break when I found out that the Easter Bunny wasn't real. I would have rather just been told that we were playing pretend. I love pretend and could have dealt with that. To this day I still feel that pain when I relive the moment of finding my parents asleep and the Easter Baskets next to them. The other one that disappointed me was when one Easter my stuffy was missing and every one else had one and they couldn't find it.
Let me point out that the HOLIDAYS are my favorites. I have however, traded in over exaggerated lies to little white lies. I do not push the belief system and if my daughter asks why my rabbit Mystery can't poop out Jelly Beans I am certainly not going to tell her the Easter Bunny is magic and all other bunnys are not.
The thing is that I believe honesty is the key to healthy relationships with our children and if they come out point blank and say, "I don't believe Santa can get around the world in one night, how would he do that." Now instead of pulling the "he's magic card." You pull the, "oh honey when the world was smaller he probably could of but now he has helpers all around the world. Parents are very good at helping." There you go it is honest and they can still believe if they choose.
Truth is, we are all muddling through parenting and MANY people are going to disagree, however, if you are part of a belief system that wants you to lie to your children, you have to ask yourself how solid of a foundation goes along with that. I mean I am just saying....
Generally kids can survive this particular lie, they manage, holiday lies are minor on the scale of lies one tells their children but if we could find a middle ground, that might be the key. Children are smart.
Is it a big deal? Truly, honestly? Probably not, but for me, my goal is to cultivate an honest relationship with my children. If she sees Santa and wants to sit in his lap, that's fine, I am not however going to push Santa. I will let her draw her own conclusions as she grows up.
Friday, April 22, 2011
In theory most people I talk to want to be a better parent than.....
Truth is parenting is a struggle, it's like being forced to be friends with someone you just met. At times the compatibility of personalities just isn't there. If you are easy going and laid back I can assure you that.... You will have one child that will learn that trait and drive you bonkers and take advantage of every weakness you have. See this is where children come in, wait until you hear my theory.
Evolution is a tricky thing, the evolutionary process is about survival of the fittest. Babies in the wild move off at a certain age or they try and take over their parents authority in the group at some point. Eventually they want to be boss. Truth is, they should be, so children growing up are going to have that same inner instinct and try to be boss and find all your weaknesses. If anything, this should keep you real. However, it can cause stress on a marriage if both people can't be honest about their weaknesses with their children and can't communicate and AGREE on a method of raising children.
Honestly, many divorces aren't because of children or the way the children are raised, it is because of a lack of communication and AGREEMENT. You talk all day long and not get anywhere.
So this blog is about that, watching children fine your weaknesses, embracing their creativity in trying to hit below the belt and more than anything, just finding humor in the process.