I wanted to post this for all those to know I am 100% a sap. I am a wuss, I can not handle the growth of my children nor the changes they are going through. I can not handle them not wanting me to be a part of their life nor can I handle the rejection a child can give. Out of all the people to reject me, not that it has been many, but those that have, it sucked. However, when your child pushes you away, the pain is something like being smooshed between two huge cement blocks having 20 T Rexs standing on top of them. I mean if they still existed.
To be quite frank it's been coming for a long time. My 10 year old son, soon to be 11 started middle school this year. He still comes up to me, hugs me, kisses me, of course this is when he is tell me how unfair his life is and how much he thinks what I am telling him to do is BULL. After all he is just one kid. He will lay in bed with me and cuddle but the truth is he is as tall as me now. I am only 5' but he is about 1/8 of an inch away from that.
This year Brandon started a new school. Not only is he starting a new school but he is starting middle school. Big changes, and he is starting to change change, you know, hair in places most of us wouldn't mind it gone from. Anyway, he asked me sweetly to walk him to the bus stop. It isn't that far away but sending him off on his journey was so exciting. As we were walking a kids mother told her son to slow down and walk with the new kid. (Small town, everyone knows everyone and knows whose new and not new. Rarely do people get into this part of town, people live here forever.) Anyway, I asked Brandon, "would you like to walk with this young man or your mother." To which his reply was.... "I will see you this afternoon Mom."
I cried, I went home and cried. First of all it broke my heart, second of all it broke my heart, but not because he was trying to be mean but because I had to leave my boy to be independent in a scary freaking world. I thought of ways to stalk him and none of them would work, he is a smart kid. So I did what any smart, loving, kind mother would do and walked away. I did not go back and follow him I stepped back. I sobbed like a freaking baby most of the day and some today. Let's be honest, we spend years prepping for those moments, building their confidence, grooming them to be kind, safe, smart, and somewhat independent and when they do, we are happy, exuberant and yet sad. It always happens far too soon.
If I could tell anyone with little ones, older than little ones, if I could tell anyone anything it would be, hug and kiss them as much as possible. Tell them a 100 times that you love them, even if it is in the middle of disciplining them. Tell them I love you, I love you and piss them off with it.
My son, in the privacy of my own home, will hug me, kiss me and tell me he loves me. I know he does. I am proud of him and he makes me realize what a truly wonderful soul he is. Letting him go, my first true love in life, my gift from God to help me understand what love is with out boundaries, the one man in my life that can make me feel like the most wonderful person in the world, and I truly feel love from, that boy, that man, is growing up. I know that was a run on sentences but it's true. It is all true and I feel like a run on sentence around him with this love that just pours from me for him.
It hurts everyone, letting go, giving them some Independence, boy or girl, it hurts. Adopted, birthed or fostered, it is all the same, we try to protect them, mold them to responsible young adults and when they start to pull away, we cry. I suppose that's okay.
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